skinnification

This week I said goodbye to yet another pound. I also noticed this week that I've had virtually no hunger; usually, I know it's time for a low-point snack when I start to get a mid-morning or mid-afternoon hunger pain. This week, no such pains. I've even been able to unconciously put off eating lunch until 2 or 3 p.m. because my stomach doesn't tell me it wants to eat. And the true test was when I made White Trash Ramen the other night and could only eat half of my bowl - half of my usual serving. Progress is being made! Woo-hoo!

The next struggle I'd like to tackle is the weekend. I find myself having trouble sticking to the plan on Saturday and Sunday - I keep track of the points in my head, but I don't write them down or record them in the Points tracker. And I seem to eat more frequently, probably because the food is more accessible. It's completely an issue of discipline - just because there's a full pantry in the kitchen doesn't mean I have to eat something out of it - and it's a challenge I'm tackling head-on.

Next week I'd also like to add a crucial element to my program - exercise. I've lost the weight so far just by cutting back on what I eat. It makes me giddy to think how successful I could be if I eat less *and* work out.

At the end of week two, I'm down another pound. At first I was disappointed it wasn't more, but then I remembered 1-2 pounds a week is actually healthy, so I stopped feeling sorry for myself. : )

I got a disturbing e-mail from my brother last week. Apparently he reads my other site and had seen that I was starting WW, because he felt the need to send me a message. The whole thing can be condensed into the following two sentences:

"I'm on Atkins and I can basically eat a freaking tub of lard and still lost weight because there are no carbs in them. I predict that you will be starving to death on Weight Watchers and you will be miserable."

Most of that is his words; the last sentence is his verbatim. He also brought up the family history of diabetes, of which I'm well aware. Yes, my mother has diabetes; she was controlling it with her diet until just recently, when she had to start taking insulin. My mother has also been overweight for most of her life, so I'd wager that was a contributing factor. She's losing weight now and eating right, and I'm really proud of her. My brother seems to think that avoiding carbs is the only way to avoid diabetes. But if I lose the weight by a healthier method, I tend to think I can get the same benefit because, either way, I will weigh less. And I won't run the risk of dying from a heart attack at age 40 because I spent my twenties and thirties eating tubs of lard.

My first weigh-in was this morning, and I'm down a whipping four pounds. Woo! It felt good to get on the scale this morning, and that's not something I'd ever thought I'd say. And the loss is just a motivation to keep it up. Luckily, with all the zero- and one-point snacks I've got around the office, stay on plan won't be much of a challenge.

A sour note on the day: the hospital, the doctor's office, the various technicians involved... everyone has begun calling asking for their money for my surgery in February. And since I don't have $13,000 in my back pocket, I have very little to give them. To catch everyone up - I had to have emergency surgery to remove an ovarian cyst that was interfering with the blood supply to my ovary, and even though I was insured at the time, my insurance company claims it was a pre-existing condition and is refusing to pay. I'm trying to appeal, but in the mean time I have to give all these people something so they don't send my bill to a collection agency. That's the last thing we need just a few months from starting to look for a house and a mortgage. I've been handling it pretty well, but something snapped today and I had a good cry about it.

Anyone have a few thousand dollars I can borrow?

The worst part for me was that I had gained 10 pounds since the wedding. Ten pounds in three months. It doesn't sound like a whole lot, but it felt like an extra person - living in my skin and bossing me around, forcing me to envoke the "bottomless fries" rule at Red Robin or to order the large popcorn and large Coke combo at the movie theatre. I'm sure it didn't quite happen like that, but overnight my clothes seemed to become too small. Everywhere I looked I saw my protruding breasts (that don't seem to stop growing), my belly, my behind. At one point, Jason said to me as tactfully as he could, "I think your stomach actually sticks out farther than your chest now." Not the kindest words by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn't offended. Instead, I ran to the full-length mirror to check. Sure enough, the breasts that had dominated my shape my entire life had receeded in the wake of the mound of jiggly flesh anchoring my torso. I sucked it in as best I could, but I knew once I grew tired and was forced to slouch, the mound would return.

It became increasingly difficult to find shirts that would extend beyong my waist and afford some level of camouflage to my stomach. For the last two weeks at my old job, I remember wearing nothing but t-shirts and jeans. Even on 80-degree days, I still put on my fleece jacket to cover up the bulge. The pair of Lane Bryant jeans that I had bought in college - my "fattie" jeans that had fit loosely enough to slide clear down my thighs - were now the only pair I could fit into without emptying my lungs or lying down; they still left a nice little saddlebag around my mid-section. I bought some skorts at Target and was forced to cross the threshold to size 16 and the plus-size department. Even as I made these purchases, I kept telling myself I wouldn't be able to wear them in a few weeks, because I was going to lose all the extra weight and be skinny. And I continued to gain.

Day Two of Weight Watchers and so far, so good. Yesterday was a struggle and I went over my point count (damn you, 5-point breakfast bar), but now that I have a good knowledge of how points work (and how many points common foods are worth), I'm finding it's pretty easy to eat things I like in moderation. My cube is stocked with low-fat popcorn, apple slices, a bottle of multi-vitamins, and that rice you can cook in 90 seconds in the microwave (long-grain and brown). The fridge has grilled chicken, apple sauce, grapes and Jell-o, along with a Smart Ones meal I'm trying out. And plenty of water! I've got two bottles I rotate throughout the day; one gets filled and stuck in the fridge to cool off while I'm drinking the other one. I'm down about five pounds from my high point a little over a week ago -- I hit 200 pounds and I freaked out. Coke doesn't even tempt me, because I never want to be that high on the scale again.

I've also clipped the pedometer back on. Ten thousand steps seems so far away! This definitely means it's back to morning trips to the gym.

A lot has happened since I last posted in January - surgery, the wedding, a new job - and my diet could be the way to get things into a more normal routine.

Let's try this again.

Tonight I signed up for Weight Watchers Online. Low-carb didn't work, and life has been so crazy lately that I can't seem to eat right to save my life. So, I'm going back to something proven that will work -- calorie and portion control. The weight loss will be slower, but it will be for the long haul. And I don't have to starve myself and give up the foods I love -- I just eat less of them. I have three months of membership paid up, so we'll see how it goes. I'm very optimistic. My weight is the highest it's every been, and it's time to make a change.

And now I'm going to bed.